Posted on 13 December, 2013Reblogged from falloftheicarus
I don’t even like Beyonce, but I have to give her credit for such a ballsy move.
10. ATM Jam // Azaelia Banks featuring Pharrell Williams
Azaelia Banks was about to set the rap game on fire when she hit the scene with 1991, a perfect throwback to the golden days of hip hop. What she did, however, was completely shoot herself in the foot by releasing a string of awkward, messy and inconsistent singles that really did nothing to help her. Yung Rapunxel had the potential to be great with its Busta Rhymes influence, but the repetitive and nonsensical rhymes turned all that potential into a mundane pile of slop. But it was, at least, a major risk. What followed was something I was not ready for. And that was ATM Jam. Ms. Banks took a sedative before she cut her “verses” for this dull track, comprised solely of beats not good enough for Pharrell’s real clients. Given the work he’s done with Madonna and Uffie, I have to wonder who is responsible for this mess. I think it’s safe to say that Azaelia Banks is going nowhere.
09. High Hopes // Bruce Springsteen
Oh, how much it hurts me to listen to one of my favorite artists and immediately scramble to find the pause button. Bruce Springsteen has been re-releasing the same lead single for about five albums now, and it’s really getting stale. High Hopes is a collection of bad cliches only saved by a thumping Celtic beat. Unfortunately, this retread of Working on a Dream really didn’t give me any “high hopes” for the rest of the album, which is about 30% revisited material anyway. Coming off the heels of the powerful Wrecking Ball, I don’t really get why Bruce is now trying to sound like Bon Jovi trying to sound like Bruce Springsteen. And speaking of Bon Jovi, his most recent leading single was far better than this!
08. Chinese Food & ABCDEFG // Allison Gold
I don’t know who to credit these disasters to. Should I blame the 13 year old (who does have minimal talent) or do I blame the thirty-something creep behind it all? Patrice Wilson, you really should stop making music for teenage girls. Racist, boring, embarrassing and all-around bad, Chinese Food will make you long for anything but Panda Express. As for its follow-up, ABCDEFG, it had slightly more potential with its catchy melody. Unfortunately, its accompanying music video makes me want to take a twenty year shower.
07. Suit & Tie // Justin Timberlake
I like JT. Despite his attempts at being Michael Jackson and the fact that he has all but disowned his *NSYNC start-up, I do indeed think the man is funny and very talented. But that does not excuse the fact that Suit & Tie was an absolute terrible way to reintroduce himself to the pop market. After disappearing off the face of the charts to do some stint work on Saturday Night Live and focus on his movie career, he came back with a Vogue-inspired, birth-of-the-cool track that had all the making of a pop song. Sadly, it wasn’t. Suit & Tie really does not belong on the same album as something as epic as Mirrors. The time gap between FutureSex/LoveSound and 20/20 Experience really could have been more graceful, Mr. Suit.
06. Gorilla // Bruno Mars
At first, it didn’t bother me that everybody who ever met me felt compelled to tell me that I resembled this man. He’s a talented, soulful pop star whose voice is a delight to listen to (in comparison to, say, Britney Spears or Miley Cyrus). At least, until he released Gorilla. His music was never a favorite of mine, but he really annoyed me either. He seemed to know a little bit more about music than his contemporaries. But then Gorilla, a knock-off Prince song, hit my ear drums and made me want to swallow hot coals and impact my head in ice. This drippy little sex jam is nowhere near as masterful as something by Janet Jackson (or even by Prince— and I we all know how much I LOATHE Prince). Best go back to soul music a la Smokey and not a la Barry White. You just can’t handle it.
05. Unconditionally // Katy Perry
ughuhughughguhugughgh. No. There’s just too much maudlin crap shouted by a shrill, nearly talentless pop star who really shouldn’t have all the success she’s had. And what’s sad is that I actually like Katy Perry. As boring and plain as she is, she has a really cool personality based on what I’ve seen in interviews. That said, this boring mess is just implication that Teenage Dream was her peak, and she will never reach those heights again.
04. Applause // Lady GaGa
Shocking that this didn’t make #1, ain’t it? I hate Lady GaGa as much as the next Madonna fan, mostly because of her hypocritical nature, bad music, and plagiarism. But it’s a little unfair to kick the Cyndi Lauper rip-off while she’s plummeting into oblivion. Suffice it to say, GaGa is over, and this song was the one that knocked her off the top. Sad when the parodies are better…
03. Work Bitch // Britney Spears
It’s a sad, sad day when not even Britney Spears can churn out some guilty pleasure pop music. It seems her place has been replaced by the awkward Miley Cyrus, who has proceeded to lose her damn mind. The entire Britney Jean project left pretty much every music critic cold, and I can’t say I blame them. The record is a sloppy collection of generic beats left over from the Black Eyed Peas wasteland (thank you, will.i.am.) Britney’s voice has gotten worse, the lyrics have gotten more flacid, and the melodies are pretty much non-existent. Work Bitch has served only to further ruin Britney’s career, with the song flopping on pretty much all charts. It’s EDM-inspiration is only a gimmick in the way dub-step was a gimmick on Hold It Against Me. It does nothing for the song and nothing for Britney’s vocals, not that you would want to understand the insipid lyrics of this hold-over trash.
02. What’s the Fox Say? // Ylvis
This really doesn’t need explanation.
01. Here’s to Never Growing Up // Avril Lavigne
No. Fuck this. Fuck this, and fuck you, Avril Lavigne. I struggled whether or not I would put Hello Kitty as #1 or Here’s to Never Growing Up, and I only went with the latter on a moral level. Everything that I hate about Avril’s public persona is magnified by this immature pop-rock cheerleader romp in its lyrics and message: here’s to never growing up. Never growing up. Not maturing. NOT MATURING. Avril Lavigne is nearly 30 years old and she still talks and acts like an airheaded eleven year old. Allison Gold has far more insight than this girl does. She was never a brilliant person, that much I understand. But she could try a little harder to not try so hard to be a badass. I’m just tired of her entire …thing. This sad, “I’m a punk!” thing that she has been perpetuating since 2002. Over a decade later and we’re getting a more watered down, more unfortunate, and cheaper version of that same sentiment. Please grow up, Avril. You’ve become a parody of yourself.
Posted on 12 December, 2013Reblogged from danielsallstrom
Posted on 12 December, 2013Reblogged from little--germany
Starting tomorrow, anybody who reblogs that fucking “Surprise Bitch” gifset, I’m unfollowing. It’s really getting obnoxious. Fucking stop.
I will murder your entire family.
Posted on 12 December, 2013Reblogged from forever90s
how is it that we all started drawing that S thing in elementary school, across the country, without the Internet telling us to
Which S thing?
THE S THING
there was this big study on this and it just keeps going back and back and back to like the late 1800’s and even farther and farther and in the end no one has a fucking clue
guys, that was even a thing in France